NWCH: A SUCCESS STORY

I am a third-year clinical psychology student and an aspiring clinical psychologist. I am 21 years old and from the age of 14 I have been living with suicidal thoughts and attempts as a symptom of my mental illness. For me, these thoughts of suicide are strongly related to my fear of abandonment and the intense emotions I experienced as a part of my Borderline Personality Disorder. My hope today is that through sharing my story I can help increase understanding of what living with suicidal thoughts and behaviours is really like and challenge whatever pre-existing judgments you may have of those who attempt suicide.

I cannot count the number of counsellors, mental health nurses, crisis workers, psychologists, psychiatrists I have introduced myself to and even more so the amount of those who have either dismissed me as “too complex” or told me “sorry, you aren’t ill enough.” I was welcomed into the world of mental health services when I was 15; I had been experiencing “low mood and anxiety”, was self-harming and suicidal. I would spend hours writing out suicide notes, planning my funeral and researching suicide methods. I was set on dying. I truly believed that that was the only point of my existence. I was born to kill myself before I reached 20.

I spent a year being passed from worker to worker in CAMHS, never being taken seriously and left to deteriorate. I developed Anorexia Nervosa at 16 and now I can see that my eating disorder was just another way to self-harm and slowly die. It was a way to numb all my emotions, so I did not have to exist alongside the pain of being alive. I attempted suicide for the first time the week before my 17th birthday. The last thing I wanted was another birthday being reminded I had failed at my mission to die. I swore to myself on my 17th birthday as I blew out the candles that I would be dead before I turned 18.

I really cannot even begin to describe how much pain I felt having to wake up every single day and go to school pretending I was a fully functional human when I so desperately wanted the world to stop.

I stayed with CAMHS up until my 18th birthday and worked with an amazing mental health nurse. The lessons I learnt from her still guide my recovery today. By the time I turned 18 I’d attempted suicide a few times and was living with chronic suicidal thoughts and so was moved to adult services where again I was passed from worker to worker. I was finally assigned a care-coordinator who understood, listened, and supported me. She gave me a toolbox of coping mechanisms and with her help I improved and was ready to move out to uni.

In September 2018 I moved down to Lincoln for Uni having only just lost my step-mum to cancer. My care-coordinator attempted to transfer my case down to Lincoln and I somehow slipped through the net like so many others in my position. I moved to Lincoln with no support but was told I would soon be seen by CMHT as I was just being transferred and things take time. Once again my brain became home to festering suicidal thoughts and urges. Within the first 10 days of being here I had already attempted suicide. I did not want to make it to my 19th birthday in December let alone finish first year and Graduation felt like some sort of joke.

I spent my first and second year of University in so much pain. Referral after referral went to adult services and I continued to self-destruct, repeatedly being reminded I was “too complex” for help. I was constantly self-harming and trying to find a way to kill myself when I was alone. I was in and out of student wellbeing and accused of “playing the system” whilst I sat in tears desperate for someone to help me. I do not think those words will ever leave me. I was called into meeting after meeting about attendance, I was struggling to survive never-mind show up to seminars bright faced and ready to interact. The only advice I was offered from my senior tutor was that my anxiety was an inconvenience for my peers, and it would probably be best if I dropped out. All I wanted was for anyone to help me ease the pain of being alive. All I wanted was for someone to sit and listen and show even the tiniest amount of compassion.

Throughout my first 2 years here I had spent my days researching ways to die, walking round Lincoln to find the best suicide spots, literally standing on a bridge trying to summon the courage to throw myself off it. Being pulled back over the railings whilst you cry hysterically and beg the people around you to just let you die is excruciating. Being forced to stay alive when all you want is to die is one of the worst pains I have experienced.

It was my best friend and incredible student wellbeing advisor who pulled me through crisis after crisis, never doubting that I was meant to be alive or that I would make it through. It was them that got me to a place where I could start fighting for myself. Without them to guide me – and sometimes drag me – through my crises I would not be stood here telling you my story. I was lucky enough late last year to receive funding from Bromhead Medical Charity for counselling with NW counselling. This came after I was told there was no other option for me apart from going private. At this point it felt like everyone had given up on me. Do you know how it feels to have a service whose vision is “to support people to live well in their communities” turn around to someone so vulnerable and say there is nothing we can do for you? It confirmed my beliefs that I was too much, not worthy of help and a burden on services. The counselling, however, was the push I needed to work through my problems and my past and move away from living crisis to crisis. It put me back in control of my recovery and my life. It was the best support I have ever had, and it helped me more than I could ever have expected.

I will be forever grateful to NW counselling.

I am now in a place where I only experience suicidal thoughts when something triggers me, or my mood drops particularly low. I am content with a lot of my life and planning for my future, something I never ever thought possible. I cannot wait to graduate and now hearing that people are proud of me makes me happy rather than angry. It has taken a lot of hard work on my behalf, do not underestimate that, but I am proud of how far I have come. I never imagined I would be in the place I am today. I am excited to live and cannot wait to help and support other young people in the future.  

Thank you.